"Self Care" vs Real Healing
So if you've been out and about in various social spaces (virtual & I.R.L alike), you have more than likely come across the popular buzz phrase: self-care. The textbook definition of self-care is "the process of establishing behaviors to ensure holistic well-being of oneself, to promote health, and actively manage illness when it occurs." When looking at the definition alone, it would be hard for any reasonable person to find a problem with it. However nothing exists within a vacuum. What something is defined as, how it is interpreted and practiced, and how it manifests among a group or society can all be different things. What I'd like to point out in this article is that some of what is being presented as "self-care" is really just selfishness and other ills, which is damaging.
Here are some falsehoods often disguised as self-care:
"Treat Yourself!"
What woman doesn't love a new pair of shoes, shopping on the strip, a spa day, or a beach vacation? However these things only provide temporary highs void of any long term fulfillment. Heavy reliance on retail therapy can actually create additional problems in our lives.
According to statistics, women account for 85% of overall consumer spending, 93% of vacations, and 65% of new car purchases. 61% of all consumer electronic purchases involved women directly or indirectly. In regards to debt, although men have higher overall debts, more women report their debts as "unmanageable". This could be for myriad reasons, but it's often attributed to our general incomes being lower than our male counterparts and we are more likely to be starting adult life saddled with high student loan debt. Furthermore, nearly 50% of senior aged women have no personal retirement savings.
So yes, I will acknowledge that there are external factors contributing to women in general being in such poor shape financially, but we must also acknowledge the self-inflicted damage. There is a large contingent of women spending money they often don't have on status symbols, coping mechanisms, and escapism.
"You Deserve The Best! Know Your Worth!"
YASS QUEEN! This one is definitely going to ruffle a few feathers, but allow me to explain why such a statement is problematic. While this statement may have begun innocently as an self-esteem booster to uplift people, and prevention from being taken advantage of, it serves as a double-edged sword. This very statement has been used to justify entitlement, superiority complexes, self-absorption, and the belittling of those deemed inferior. Not that people shouldn't take risks, but this line of thinking also leads to people shooting way above their station in various aspects of their lives, only to be shot down, rejected, and now angry and bitter. Think of the obviously untalented folks that show up for American Idol auditions, the lazy broke dude that wants a super model girlfriend, or the mean, unattractive Cinderella step-sister wanting to marry a prince for the most egregious examples.
The harsh truth is that beyond basic human rights and decency, we are deserving of nothing. Everything else in life is earned by either doing or being something. It's stated in the very definition of deserving. In regard of worth, everyone should definitely have a base sense of self-worth because if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. With that said, if you are looking for external forces to provide you with something, THEY are the ones who determine your worth in those cases. It is the employer that determines whether or not you are worthy of employment. It is the customers that determine what you are selling is worth the price. And it's the prince that determines whether or not you are worthy of being his princess.
All in all, it's up to us to properly align ourselves with the outcomes we want and steadily work towards them. There are no guarantees, thus we should remain humble and gracious for everything we have.
"Never Apologize For Feeling Something"
See, the thing about feelings is they are often unreliable. Sometimes we overreact and misinterpret things. Feelings can blind us from truth and misguide us. You may very well end up saying or doing something that warrants an apology. One of the worst things you can do is make a life altering decision based on a fleeting feeling.
As women, we often filter things through our emotions first, which sometimes works against us. It's our nature. However, we must train ourselves to move from our initial emotional reactions to think about what's really happening. If you need to, wait until you've calmed down a bit before decided what to do next. This will allow you to make a logical decision rather than an emotional one. That way you can be sure that what you did was right rather than just feeling like it was in the moment.
"Be Gentle To Yourself"
Yes we should be kind to ourselves, but when it makes sense. Earn your leisure. Earn your praise. That will require you to push yourself and be uncomfortable at times. It's only through this experience do we grow.
Real Healing
Real healing is TOUGH and there are no shortcuts. It requires you to take a critical honest look at yourself, your life, the decisions you've made, and the outcomes. It involves getting to the core of who you really are and whether or not you are truly happy with that person. It's dealing with your trauma and dark side head-on. It's admitting failures, wrongdoings and mistakes, and coming to terms with the bad parts of you and how it may be negatively impacting your life.
First you need to define what your core principals and values are, and dedicate yourself to living by them. It may require you to uproot your current life to a certain degree. You may need to do things you've never done before, go places you've never gone or avoid places you know to be counter to said values and principals.
Your healing journey may require a complete lifestyle change and self makeover. You may need to develop a new daily routine, a plan with long-term goals and how to reach them. You may need to change your eating and exercise habits, style of dress, and start carrying yourself differently. You may also need to restructure your friends and family circles so that you gravitate to those that resonate with and support the person you are trying to become, and keep at a distance or avoid all together those who don't.
Next, you may need to reconsider your profession, career path, and everyday environment. Maybe what you do for a living is more draining than it is fulfilling, or it takes more than it gives. Or maybe it stands in the way of other things from materializing in your life. In regards to your everyday environment, maybe where you currently reside is breeding lots of negativity. It's unsafe, dirty, cluttered, and unproductive, inside and out. I know that in a time where economic and housing insecurity is at an all time high, the last thing people want to do is risk what little they may have. I suggest making the changes where you can, with plans to do more when you have the means. This may mean transferring or transitioning into a different department or role at work and moving in with a friend or family member until you can afford your own place.
Lastly but certainly not least is a change in ATTITUDE and perspective. Are you mostly positive or negative? Are you likeable and easy to get along with or are you constantly at odds with others? Are you more likely to solve and diffuse problems or are you likely to create them? Are you open to change and new ideas or are you fine with what you already know and agree with? The right attitude and change in perspective is often the secret ingredient that many people are missing. Try looking on the bright side more often, smile and laugh more, be more open-mind, and try doing nice things for others without necessarily expecting something in return. You'll find your new attitude to be enjoyable and contagious.
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Maybe this is all too much for you to handle alone. There's nothing wrong with asking for help or seeking guidance or mentorship. In fact, I encourage it! These people can be anyone from a therapist, psychiatrist, spiritual leader, elder, or maybe just a trusted friend. Just be sure to vet these people and make sure they practice what they preach and their outcomes align with what you desire. Beware of grifters, panderers, yes-men, and scammers that will misguide you or tell you whatever you want to hear just to get you to part with your money. Someone how has your best interest at heart, challenges you, and wants to see you win would be ideal.
I have personally gone through my own healing journey spanning several years. I've had many ups and just as many downs, but I made it through. I've left places of employment, moved to different states, and even had to cut ties with some people in my life. I did the shadow work necessary to deal with my inner self and trauma. Then like a caterpillar into a butterfly, I've spread my wings and reached new heights that I never originally thought I could. Now I pass that info onto you. Good luck to all my lovelies on your journey to becoming a better you! What awaits you is beautiful! It will be hard, but it will ALWAYS be worth it.
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